Thursday night I was nominated for not one, but two offices in the upcoming local election: town council, and Representative Town Meeting member for the district in which I reside. I agreed to have my name placed in nomination because we did not have enough candidates to fill our slates. So long as a real live human’s name is submitted to the state, we can substitute someone else later on. So I am acting as a placeholder, my personal position, should I be on the ballot come election day, being somewhat Shermanesque: being nominated, I will not run, but if elected, I will consider serving.
During the election campaign, much like the Sage of Monticello, I shall profess indifference, while allowing, as did he, that I will do my duty should I be called out of my own political retirement by a suddenly informed electorate. Unlike him, however, I will not be in constant contact with a Jemmie Madison equivalent, who will handle the dirty details while I maintain the facade of Olympian detachment. No need for facade for me, for as everyone who knows me can attest, I am genuinely detached, if not from ambition, at least from reality.
Still, a decent respect for the opinion of mankind, or, at least, for the sliver of that reprehensible species that resides in Groton, should impel me to inform my fellow Grotonites of where I stand on the vital Groton issues of the day. This I would gladly do, if I had the slightest idea of the nature of those issues, but, alas, I do not. This is a deficiency far more serious in a Democratic candidate than in a Republican, for Republicans know only one issue: taxes; and only one prescription for all our ills: lowering the aforesaid taxes. Thus, any Republican can run for any office at any time with no need to familiarize him or herself with any other issue, or, for that matter, with methods of rational thought.
So, to any of the Groton voters trusting enough to consider voting for me, I offer the following assurance. If elected, I will bone up on the issues and, given the acuity that I have shown so often on this blog, inevitably, in the fullness of time, arrive at the correct position. In the meantime, I will employ a decision making procedure almost as foolproof as applying rational thought to the operative facts: I shall hold my peace until I have determined the position of the majority of the Republicans on the council or RTM, and I will then vote the other way. There may be better decision making strategies for the uninformed, but if there are, I haven’t heard.
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