CT Blue

The good folks at Conservapedia (can’t won’t find a link for some reason, maybe it’s my liberal bias) have launched an effort to purge the Bible of its liberal bias, a bias injected, so to speak, by years of faulty translations by liberals like the guys working for King James.

This is a good thing, a Bible-wiki, which can be constantly adjusted as eternal truths occur to the contributors. They have discovered a new truth: God’s word is fixed, but it is necessary to constantly translate it anew to fit our preconceptions. Thus can we have the best of both worlds: a Bible that is ever inerrant, yet ever changing, as not only philosophy but facts get finely tuned by the mass conservative mind (if we can use that word in this context).

This, I think, is just the start of the good work. For I put it to you: if the word of God has been distorted by errant translations through language, does it not follow that the word of man has been distorted as it has been transmitted through time?

The Constitution; the Bill of Rights; the Declaration of Independence, the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom, to name just a few, have surely been deformed from their pristine originals by the passage of time. Surely our conservative friends can remake them into more perfect documents. Can anyone doubt that Thomas Jefferson originally wrote that “some men are created equal”, words since perverted by pointy headed university liberals? Getting a little closer to the present, who put all that liberal nonsense in the Gettysburg address? Surely not Lincoln, who was, after all, a Republican.

But we need not stop there. It has surely not escaped the notice of conservatives that liberal bias has been embedded in so much of the great literature that has come down to us through the ages. Confining ourselves to American literature alone, isn’t it time that we restore Walt Whitman to the pristine original. Shall we not smooth out the contradictions and restore him to his singular self?

Being a Hartford native, I have a soft spot for our adopted son, Mark Twain and I hope and pray that we can purge Huck Finn of its liberal bias by returning that book to what I’m sure was its primal glory, by having Huck fulfill his original intent-and follow the law set down by his conservative elders- by returning Jim to the slavecatchers. A few strokes of the pen can rid us of that pesky epiphany when Huck opts to do the liberal thing-accept Jim as fully human as himself. Mark Twain, a native son of the South, surely never wrote that.

Let’s take a another look at Thoreau. Surely he refused to pay his taxes because he was against socialism, not war. We don’t know who was responsible for putting all that environmental nonsense in his writings, but we can now excise it, and restore his writings to the peans to excess that once they were.

But I would urge our conservative friends – don’t apply your restorative balm to American literature alone. If one considers the broad sweep of world literature, as it has been handed to us in its maimed condition, one perceives an all pervading liberal bias. Tolerance, free inquiry, rational thought, human understanding and other abominations wax stronger as the years progress; while dogma, blind adherence to tradition and other conservative values have receded. The wiki formula allows these crimes to be reversed. We can finally have literature the way it was actually written, or at least in the way we believe it actually should have been written, and therefore was. Let the old, discredited literature go down the memory hole.

Finally, I urge our conservative friends to attack the last bastion of liberalism, facts themselves. As Stephen Colbert has bemoaned, facts have a well known liberal bias. But as Humpty Dumpty did with words, we can do with facts-show them who is master. If we prefer to believe that four is five, then it shall be so. Thus can we will away such threats as global warming. Sufficient unto the day the challenge of turning back the overflowing oceans by the power of our wiki-mind.