The following letter was provided to CTBlue anonymously by a highly placed person in the White House who removed it from the desk of the person currently holding the office of the President of the United States, before that person could read it
Most Highly Exalted Extremely Stable Genius:
In case you would prefer not to read this whole letter (I know you don’t like to concentrate for long periods) you might want to skip to the last paragraph.
I am writing to add my voice to the other ultra-loyal members of your staff who have assured you that they had nothing to do with the anonymous op-ed in the failing New York Times. It simply boggles my mind that anyone would think that you are a petulant, clueless ignoramous from whom the world must be protected. I can’t conceive that anyone would compare your intellect to that of a fifth or sixth grader. That’s so unfair to fifth graders! And by that, I mean, of course, that no fifth or sixth grader could be expected to have as sure a grasp of complicated issues as do you. It would take at least a seventh grader, for sure!
I also want to assure you that in no way do I think your mental illness has affected your ability to function as president. We all have our days when we can’t do anything but fly into twitter rages at our enemies. It’s only to be expected.
I know that things don’t look good for me and that the finger of suspicion has been pointed at me by multiple people, but the truth is, I only want to continue to serve our nation by advancing your agenda of packing the courts with corporate whores, gutting our health care system, screwing American workers, lowering taxes on the rich, imprisoning children, and destroying our environment, to name just a few! I am deeply grateful that you gave me the opportunity to help you achieve these objectives, so why would I go running to the New York Times and tell them that you’re an intellectual basket case, mentally unstable, totally ignorant, with the attention span of a three year old? No one needs to be told these things anyway, because it is so obvious that you are exactly the very stable genius you told us you were.
So, please ignore those whispering in your ear that I’m the one who wrote that piece. The last thing you want to do is give the failing New York Times the satisfaction of seeing the wrong person get fired just because it looks like he wrote that op-ed.
To summarize, I didn’t have a thing to do with that op-ed. Let Bart Simpson explain it in detail.
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