The genius is all a-twitterbecause Denmark won’t sell Greenland. Everyone seems to think it’s a crazy idea. Even I did until I started thinking about it, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’m sure that it’s time for another Modest Proposal, for I’ve got an idea that I’m sure will gather bi-partisan support here and might even appeal to the Danes.
No one has discussed the purchase price for Greenland. What I suggest is a swap, New England for Greenland (with a bit extra added by the genius). The Republicans will love it, because it gets rid of 11 (soon to be 12 when Collins goes down) Democratic Senators and a huge number of Democratic Congresspeople. We here in New England would love it, because we’d become an autonomous nation within the Kingdom of Denmark, the happiest nation on Earth. We’d get neat stuff, like a government health care system that works (Needless to say, there are numerous other advantages, which I lack the time and space to enumerate). Denmark would love it because it is subsidizing Greenland to the tune of $700 million dollars a year, but we could more than pay our own way. And of course, the genius would love it because he really wants to build some golf courses in Greenland as soon as all the ice melts.
I know what you’re thinking. What about the poor people of Greenland, who would be deprived of their sovereignty and put under the thumb of the Orange monster and his even more-empowered-by-the-deal Republican enablers? First of all, remember what Jeremy Bentham taught us: we should be looking to do the greatest good for the greatest number, and there’s more of us than them. There’s only about 55,000 of them, so we could easily absorb any that want to escape. We could even offer them free housing by seizing the property of New England Republicans (like we did to the Tories after the revolution) and giving it to the good refugees from Greenland.
You’re probably also thinking: What about the people in the other blue states who will now be at the mercy of the fascist Republican Party? Okay, that’s a tough one. Maybe they can sell themselves to other countries. Maybe the fascists will be happy to see them join up with us. You can’t have everything.
Of course there’s some minor details to work out. I like getting my social security check every month, so the deal would have to include our share of the trust fund. Also, we’d have to be clear on who would pay for the wall on the New England border with the United States. Personally, I think that should be part of the purchase price paid by the U.S. We won’t need one on the Canadian border, but, lets face it, we’ll need one to our west to stave off the tsunami of illegal immigrants we can expect from that direction. Of course we’ll let some in, but we have to settle on a workable criteria on who to accept. Just off the top of my head: Proof that the immigrant was a registered Democrat since he or she turned eighteen or for the previous five years, whichever period is less. We’ll have to house any Republicans who try to sneak into our country in concentration camps, but I’m not sure we can expect the U.S. to pay for those. I’m sure other issues will crop up, but we can work them out. All in all, I think it’s a great idea. I mean, really, what could go wrong?
Postscript: I only just now re-read the article from the Times to which I linked above, and this time I went almost all the way to the end, and was aghast to learn that the genius almost anticipated my brilliant idea:
At one point last year, according to a former official who heard him, he even joked in a meeting about trading Puerto Rico for Greenland — happy to rid himself of an American territory whose leadership he has feuded with repeatedly.
I admit that the people of Puerto Rico could make a great case for the proposition that they deserve to get in on the trade more than we in New England. But I’m a New Englander born and bred, so I’ll stick with my original idea. I think the Danes would prefer New England anyway, as they wouldn’t have to rebuild our electrical system.
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