CT Blue

Having lost my ill fated bid to replace the last Pope (and look what’s come of that!) I feel some trepidation in announcing my candidacy for the next Supreme Court appointment. Nonetheless, for the good of the country, I must put personal considerations aside, throw my hat in the ring, and place my name in contention. After all, if I don’t, who will? I’m confident that Obama won’t repeat the mistake that the cardinals in conclave must surely now regret.

In all modesty I believe I have the three traits necessary to enable the spineless Democrats to overcome the expected Republican filbuster. I am:

• White
• Male
• Christian.

Now, some faithful readers of this blog might question the last assertion, but I must remind them that I was baptized into the Catholic Church by a fully accredited priest. At least I must trust the word of my mother that it is so, as my own memory is somewhat hazy. As everyone who took catechism knows, baptism leaves an indelible mark on the soul, so for better or for worse, whether they like it or not, I’m a Catholic, and that means I’m a Christian (we Catholics invented Christianity, after all), so I have all the qualifications the Republicans think you need to be a Supreme Court Justice. Also, not that it matters, but I’m a lawyer.

As a candidate for this exalted office, I promise to honor the time honored tradition established by those nominated by Republican presidents. I promise to say nothing about my legal positions, and if cornered, I promise to lie about them. I pledge to affirm that there is no reason to believe that my legal positions will be consistent with, or affected by, the legal and political positions I have espoused in the past. I trust and expect that the Republicans will swallow those assurances just as the Democrats did in like circumstances.

But I have even more to offer. Last year we learned that empathy is an undesirable quality in a judge. Well, I am totally lacking in empathy! Just ask my wife, or anyone who knows me. I’m perfectly capable of judging, while holding the absolute conviction that I myself should not be judged. I have a deep and abiding respect, almost to the point of worship, for those legal precedents with which I, and by extension, the Founders agree (or would have agreed in their case). I am possessed of a preternatural ability to discern the inmost thoughts of those long dead sages, and will thus be able to discern precisely what they all would have wanted the court to do on any given issue (because they all agreed completely on all issues). Notwithstanding the pledges contained in the preceding paragraph, let me hasten to assure the Republicans of the following: I believe in the sanctity of life from the moment of conception straight through to the moment of birth. I believe that the Founders would have wanted even the insane to carry submachine guns with them at all times, in all places, but that they would have been appalled at the idea of restricting the government’s right to read everyone’s email. I believe that the First Amendment gives us freedom of religion, not freedom from religion, and I know that Thomas Jefferson and James Madison would have agreed. I believe that Amendments Four through Eight were only intended to apply to white male Christians, and that the same should hold true today, when convenient.

I know these positions put me slightly to the left of the court’s present majority, but, after all, Obama is a Democrat, and you can’t expect him to go with an out and out conservative. Still, on balance, I believe that I am more than nominally qualified, holding as I do, views far closer to the mainstream than do those potential nominees that are more often mentioned. I stand ready to answer my nation’s call, plus, the job pays well.