CT Blue

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have an advanced degree in theology, courtesy of eight years of intensive religious instruction at Our Lady of Sorrows (real name) Grammar School in Hartford. Sorrowfully, Our Lady of Sorrows is no more, so generations of Hartford kids will go without the instruction that resulted in my high level of expertise.

Today, I will bring my gifts to bear on the latest atrocity brought to you by the Catholic Church:

The Catholic Archdiocese of New Orleans urged Catholics on Friday against taking a vaccine for COVID-19 manufactured by Johnson & Johnson because the vaccine is developed from stem cells obtained from two abortions.

In a statement on the archdiocese’s website, the organization argued that Johnson & Johnson’s vaccine was “morally compromised.”

“The archdiocese must instruct Catholics that the latest vaccine from Janssen/Johnson & Johnson is morally compromised as it uses the abortion-derived cell line in development and production of the vaccine as well as the testing,” the statement read.

I have brought my theological skills to bear on this issue, and I’m happy to announce that the good Catholics of New Orleans can take the J&J vaccine with no problem, so long as they do a bit of advance planning and follow some simple recommendations.

Now, some might argue that you should do as the Diocese directs (and is this only the rule in New Orleans?), and if you happen to die of COVID, you will get an automatic ticket to heaven, because that makes you a martyr. I think that’s a theologically dubious proposition, one you might have a tough time getting by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Anyway, it’s pretty inconvenient.

I recommend ditching the martyrdom route and following another course. It’s really quite simple. Take the vaccine. Immediately thereafter say an act of contrition. This is a stop gap measure in case you die before you can follow the next step. This will not, by the way, diminish the vaccine’s effectiveness. That’s science, a subject the rest of this post will avoid.

After you’ve said your act of contrition, head over to the nearest Catholic Church when confessions are in session, confess your sins, professing contrition throughout, say the prescribed number of Hail Mary’s set forth by the priest, and there you are. Vaccinated and absolutely washed clean!

Now, some might argue that if you plan all this in advance, you can’t possibly be sincerely contrite (an alleged requirement) at the appropriate times. This is really a laughable objection, because Catholics have been getting their sins absolved for years without being sincerely contrite. If the priest mumbles the magic words, and if you say the prescribed prayers, that automatically and retroactively renders your contrition sincere. After all, the priest waved his magic wand, and what he “loose[s] on earth will be loosed in heaven”, no questions asked. It’s up to the priest to refuse to “loose” you by catching your insincerity, and if he doesn’t, and absolves you (which he always does), you’re home free. Take it from me, I’m an expert. So, if you’re not sincerely contrite when you walk in the booth, just fake it. It works. Ask any Republican politician or televangelist, not to mention the Catholic Church’s spokespeople who apologize for predatory priests. They all fake sincerity, and it works for them.

Now, if you still think this is a loophole much too narrow to squeeze through, consider this: who says it’s a sin in the first place? So far, it’s only a sin in New Orleans, and I assure you that even my nuns would have been hard put to explain localized sins, though now that I think of it, back when you could punch your ticket to Hell by eating meat on Friday, it was fine to eat meat as long as you were in Spain, because the Spaniards got an emergency exemption in 1492 for some reason probably connected to the Inquisition, and the Pope just sort of forgot to rescind it for the next 400 and some odd years.

But the fact is you can search high and low in the Bible, and you can’t find the following: Thou shalt not be vaccinated with a substance developed using stem cells obtained through an abortion. Jesus never said a word about it, and even the mad god of the Old Testament had not a word to say about it. So, the weight of the evidence is to the effect that you don’t really have to be sincerely contrite or even fake contrite, since it’s not a sin in the first place. But still, take a tip from Pascal, who also saw nothing wrong with insincerity in the proper circumstances, and follow my advice. Just in case, get your slate wiped clean in the nearest confessional, and enjoy your escape from COVID.

Caveat: In the interest of full disclosure, I should add that while I normally got excellent grades at Our Lady of Sorrows, my grades in religion usually lagged a bit. I attribute this to my unfortunate habit of asking questions. Still, I completed the course, and like all OLS alums, I’m an acknowledged expert.